CANCER: Your lucky flavour this month is itchy.
LEO: This month most people are other people, except those people over there.
VIRGO: Your attempt to start a new sexual revolution will see you rounded up and shot at dawn.
LIBRA: You will soon realise that your life is just one relentless Contiki tour to Dubbo.
SCORPIO: This month will be opposite to the opposite you thought it would be.
SAGITARIUS: You have no idea what will happen this month, and you’re good at it.
CAPRICORN: This month you’ll be rounded up to the nearest dollar.
AQUARIUS: Oh dear. You’re going to “meat” an old friend this month.
PISCES: You’re right; your feet do get smaller when you stand up.
ARIES: Ever noticed that the word “homeowner” has a “meow” in it? Good luck with that.
TAURUS: Take your lucky number, double it, add six, divide that in half and subtract the number you started with. Your new lucky number is “3”.
GEMINI: Your spirit animal this month is the “Screaming Armadillo”… It’s a thing.