VIRGO: Stop it now, or you’ll stretch the arse out of it.
LIBRA: You will meet a tall dark stranger. It will be a horse.
SCORPIO: For reasons unknown, you will smell vaguely of cinnamon.
SAGITAGIUS: Smokers smoke but Vapers masturvape. Now you know.
CAPRICORN: Your spirit animal is the Banana prawn. Boldly going backwards and full of poo.
AQUARIUS: It’s “Hold my beer & watch this” month for Aquarians. Be dangerous and be proud.
PISCES: Your horoscope has been cancelled due to lack of interest.
ARIES: This month you’ll be on it, like a fat kid on a cup cake.
TAURUS: Your lucky thing will be slightly swollen.
GEMINI: That horrid little thing is following you again.
CANCER: Attach your own “kick me” sign to your back this month
LEO: High above you is a seagull, just waiting.