Horoscope

VIRGO: Why is abbreviation such a long word? LIBRA: Don’t worry. It’s all just cats, rats and pigeons SCORPIO: You are hot….and itchy. [...]

LEO: You’ll soon snooker a plumb VIRGO: Mention my name and you’ll get a good seat LIBRA: Shit or get off the pot [...]

CANCER. You may or may not have a handle LEO. You’re a shitty little rainbow of joy and happiness. Well done arsehole. VIRGO. [...]

GEMINI: A statue of you will soon be erected in the small Turkish village of Geki Kizi. What have you been doing? CANCER: [...]

Taurus: This month you will get satisfaction guaranteed, or your monkey back. Gemini: Very soon you will suck it and see Cancer: You [...]

ARIES: Your lucky feeling this month will be familiar TAURUS: Get a puppy…. Get two… Sensible move…. GEMINI: Something will strike your fancy [...]

PISCES: Your lucky force this month is centrifugal…. Spin you wild thing spin ARIES: You have always been somebody else’s weirdo TAURUS: By [...]

AQUARIUS: Hey, the trousers and teeth combo is really working for you. Keep it up. PISCES: You’re safe from the Corona virus, but [...]

CAPRICORN: Your pet peeve will soon run off and turn feral. AQUARIUS: Did you know that you were named after a 70’s porn [...]

SAGITARIUS: Your lucky placebo this month will be the Chiko Roll. CAPRICORN: Soon you will join a band of ne’re-do-wells. How well will [...]

SCORPIO: Your totem animal this month is that dog around the corner that hates you. SAGITARIUS: Your lucky smell this month will be [...]

LIBRA: Your undies are on inside out. SCORPIO: Your lucky shape this month will be the rhomboid. Yeah baby. SAGITARIUS: Your lucky thing [...]

VIRGO: Stop it now, or you’ll stretch the arse out of it. LIBRA: You will meet a tall dark stranger. It will be [...]

LEO: This month you will have the ambitions of a Jellyfish. VIRGO: If the chicken fits, wear it. LIBRA: Drink your way to [...]

CANCER: Your lucky flavour this month is itchy. LEO: This month most people are other people, except those people over there. VIRGO: Your [...]

ARIES: This month you will be 94% Spam. Sweet indigestible you. TAURUS: Your totem animal this month is the “crazy cat lady”. Eat [...]