LIBRA: Your undies are on inside out.
SCORPIO: Your lucky shape this month will be the rhomboid. Yeah baby.
SAGITARIUS: Your lucky thing this month is behind the lounge and covered in fluff.
CAPRICORN: Tag. You’re it.
AQUARIUS: You will soon get a new bathmat but Mat’s not happy with his new job.
PISCES: Expect the unexpected. Now the unexpected is the expected and the expected is the unexpected. I hope that helps
ARIES: Your spirit animal this month is the Root Rat
TAURUS: Uranus is in retrograde. You’ll walk with a limp.
GEMINI: Until further notice your horoscope will be subliminal.
CANCER: You are unfit for human consumption.
LEO: Somehow you have become the patron saint of mysterious smells.
VIRGO: That was naughty. Do it again.