AQUARIUS: Hey, the trousers and teeth combo is really working for you. Keep it up.
PISCES: You’re safe from the Corona virus, but that’s a nasty case of VB.
ARIES: You’re a professional cynic, but your hearts not in it.
TAURUS: An attempt to rub uglies this month may turn out uglier than expected.
GEMINI: Your lucky lubricant this month will be Castrol GTX
CANCER: You’ll be as sexy as you’ll ever be on the 17th. It’s all down hill from there
LEO: This month may or may not be the perfect time to commit a major felony
VIRGO: Your unlucky body part this month will be the shin
LIBRA: You will reluctantly be crowned the Roller Derby Queen of Woy Woy.
SCORPIO: The stars suggest Googling something and going with that.
SAGITARIUS: Becoming a Japanese porn star may not be all it’s cracked up to be.
CAPRICORN: Your lucky smell this month will be persistent.