CAPRICORN: Your pet peeve will soon run off and turn feral.
AQUARIUS: Did you know that you were named after a 70’s porn star?
PISCES: The coming year will see you circumnavigated by a small, but intrepid rash.
ARIES: Next year will be free. After that you’ll be $4.95
TAURUS: 2020 will see your genitals swell to almost normal proportions
GEMINI: Last year you were warned and you still didn’t use it. Now it’s gone.
CANCER: Next year your lucky number will be changed to 57.4. Sorry about that
LEO: Due to circumstances beyond our control you will soon be known as “Lactose the incredible”.
VIRGO: All next year those sirens in the distance will be for you.
LIBRA: Remember that thing you did last year? So does everyone else
SCORPIO: Your lucky smell for 2020 will be “supermarket”
SAGITTARIUS: You’ll soon try Chinese food for thought.