SCORPIO: Your totem animal this month is that dog around the corner that hates you.
SAGITARIUS: Your lucky smell this month will be enticing.
CAPRICORN: This month you will smell vaguely like shag pile carpet and bong water.
AQUARIUS: This month you will be a two schooner screamer.
PISCES: Remember, bad decisions make great stories
ARIES: There’s a difference between stuffing a chook and summoning a genie.
TAURUS: At some point this month you will go bourko
GEMINI: Your lucky sensation this month will be hard to reach
CANCER: You’re really into Fish Tacos this month. I mean really into.
LEO: Don’t forget to do what’s next.
VIRGO: Have you noticed that every person in an 80s covers band thinks live music is dead?
LIBRA: This month you will find a long-lost favorite shirt at the back of the cupboard.