It’s buzzing backstage at Festival Of The Sun as THE BEARDS walk around promoting beard love whilst dribbling beer down their luscious facial hair. LOUIE SMITH chats with FACY MCSTUBBLINGTON and JOHN BEARDMAN JR about a new album and their mission to conquer the faces of European men.
So where have you guys come from today?
John Beardman Jr: Ahh we’ve come from the recording studio, fresh out of the studio.
Facy McStubblington: Fresh out of the studessss.
J: This is a little day off for us. We’re in the middle of recording a new album right now.
Awesome, I was actually going to ask that. So you’re recording some new stuff?
F: Yep, new songs about beards. We looked at our back catalogue and thought “Do we really have enough songs about beards, and further more, have we really conveyed our stance on how much we love beards”.
J: Yeah and we think no.
F: We’ve decided that if you don’t know, then record more. So yeah, we’re currently working on more music to purvey the benefits of having a beard.
Excellent. Well you’ve accumulated quite a cult following, what’s the craziest fan you’ve ever come across?
F: I once saw this beardless guy, I assumed he was crazy. He was like “ohhh I love you guys and bought our stuff”. Like just shut up and grow a beard.
J: I remember that guy, I stole the stuff back off him, snatched the cds in front of him and told him he wasn’t allowed to like our music.
F: And you were right to do it.
J: Oh I was definitely right to do it.
F: So yeah, he was pretty crazy. If not then, then he is now.
J: Actually I think he’s dead now.
F: He’s probably dead.
He probably thought ‘Shit I need to grow a beard now’.
J: We can only hope he’s realised the error of his ways.
F: And either grown a beard or killed himself. They’re the only two desirable outcomes. Well, grown a beard, we’d prefer that.
J: Just grow a beard is basically what we’re saying.
Do you all put your beard frustrations into writing the music or is it more one person?
F: Oh we all feel very strongly about beards. It’s a collaborative process. In that, we all just tend to get around and look at each other’s beards or look at our own beards in the mirror.
J: I think we all like beards about the same amount. If I found out that Nathanial didn’t like beards as much as me I’d be pretty cut. It’d be like he’d been lying to me my whole life.
F: I don’t think that would happen.
Is there a bit of beard jealousy amongst you all? I mean you have quite a luscious beard John but yours isn’t as long Facey. Do you get jealous?
F: Um sometimes I do, yeah I’m not going to lie to you…
J: You’ve got a great beard Face.
F: But then I remember, I have a beard and then it’s ok again.
J: I mean it’s not about the size like women always say it is.
F: Exactly.
J: It’s about just having a good quality beard. Facey McStubblington here, his beard is red like the fires of hell and it’s great.
F: And thick. The other day a guy shot a gun at me…stopped dead in my beard.
J: You could scrub a pan with his face and you’d clean it.
F: It’s great, you should grow one.
Well Movember has just ended, I think it’s time for us females to jump on the band wagon and start growing some hair…have you heard of Fanuary?
J: Fanuary?
F: Haha
For or against Fanuary?
F: I haven’t heard of Fanuary. That’s ahh women growing beards…but again we only really care about beards.
But women can’t really grow beards.
J: Can’t they though? Really?
F: That’s definitely not true. You wait long enough and you’ll have a beard.
J: Yeah my grandma had a beard.
F: Yeah and she was gorgeous. Most octogenarian women have beards, so no excuse ladies. But as far as Fanuary goes, I mean we’re against shaving of any kind. We would never ask anybody let alone a woman to shave anything.
J: Especially a beard. I mean we just love beards!
So you never get sick of talking about them?
J: Nup, never. We will talk about beards forever.
Do you wana talk about music?
J: Yeah see like music’s pretty good but not as good as beards. Music definitely comes second or third maybe.
F: Somewhere down the list. It’s down there. I’d say one through five for me is beards. They’re my favourite five things.
J: It’s not just having a beard, it’s the respect that you get walking down the street when people see your beard. That’s number two.
F: Then it’s like a food saver. You save money on food.
J: And the women, let’s not forget about the women.
F: Oh they come in droves, drovesss. And then you save money further because people throw money at you. Your lying on a street corner and people just throw money at you.
How did you all find each other?
J: We originally met at university and we started a small club for beard appreciating males on campus and the four of us were the only people that responded to the ad. We used to meet quite regularly and just discuss what was going on in the world of beards, mind you this was back in 2003. It was a whole different era for beards back then.
F: Very dark days.
J: People think of beards now as the in-thing but back in 2003 people were spitting on our faces. Like literally spitting at us for having beards.
F: It was really rough.
J: So it was sort of just a place that we could all get together and feel safe. Then one day our normal meeting room was double booked and so they had to put us into a music rehearsal space. We’d never really played music before but we sort of thought lets have a go at this. We just managed to pick up some guitars and instantly played a three and a half minute pop song with lavish three part vocal harmonies. Well executed.
F: Never had one lesson.
J: Never once. We had beard-growing lessons for many years. Johann is classically trained in beard growing.
F: He certainly is.
So you’re heading over to Europe next year?
F: We are. We heard that not only is there a really strong beard following but also that it hasn’t reached the popularity that it has here. There’s some really strong beard lovers in Europe but it’s not part of the pop culture. So we thought we would bring our pop culture to them in the hope that maybe we could assist their society into becoming better.
J: We went to Europe earlier this year because we had heard that there was someone in Europe that didn’t have a beard and when we got there it was very true. There was more than one. I counted a heap of people, actually more than I could count. So we’re trying to get back there as quickly as we can so we can fix that problem. We spent a lot of time in Australia trying to fix that problem.
You’ve done a pretty good job.
F: Thank you. Unfortunately that compliment coming from you means nothing because you don’t have a beard so ahh you know, save it.
Do you have anything new for us today?
F: We do actually. We’re playing a new song tonight.
J: It’s called ‘I Like Beards’.
F: It’s a true story, which is the beauty of that song.
J: Like it’s taken us eight years and three albums to write this song. It really sums up exactly how we feel about beards. I don’t think you can express in words how we feel about it. It’s good, it’s a good feeling though.
Is this one off the new album?
F: Yep.
Do you have a release date?
J: Umm midway through next year.
F: I reckon it’ll be ready by May.
Have you got a title yet?
F: We’ve got a few titles kicking around, you know, Beards, Fuck.
J: Haha, yeah you know that one’s on the back burner.
F: It’s on the back burner but you know, it’s up there.
J: If anything, we have too many ideas because beards are so inspiring. So it’s like sifting through all of the moneymaking powerhouse ideas that we have. We need to put those aside and try and work out the best one, but it’s hard.
Is there anyone on the Fotsun lineup that you’re keen to see?
F: Ahhh nup. I look forward to us playing.
Kingswood have beards…
J: Kingswood actually do have great beards. We played with them a couple of weeks ago and they were sporting fantastic beards.
F: I like watching them. I like looking at them.
J: I’ve never actually heard a Kingswood song.
F: Nah I’ve never listened to them.
J: I’ve met them and they seem like lovely guys.
F: As far as I can tell they don’t sing about beards so ahh if I were you reading this I would immediately dislike Kingswood.
J: Well I mean no they’ve got beards.
F: Steer clear.
J: They’ve got beards, you gotta like them.
F: Just look at them. Maybe look at photos of them.
J: Just like them but don’t listen to their music.
F: Any money you’re going to spend on their album, buy one of our albums.
J: Yeah, give them some money. Just buy one of theirs and one of ours. Like we want them to have money, they’re good guys. They’ve got good beards.
F: Nah I’m taking a hard line stance.
J: Ahh well Facey McStubblington is quite a hard man.
F: Yep. Sing songs about beards…Kingswood.
J: Yeah come on Kingswood. I agree. But if you interview Kingswood, please don’t tell them what we said.
F: Haha.
J: We’re scared of them.
F: Nah I stand by it.